Up In Smoke

You know what I despise? Cigarettes. I hate smoking, almost as much as I hate waiting. I hate the way it smells, I hate the way it lingers on your body and breath, I hate the way it makes you feel. It has been proven to give you cancer. Likely not good for someone who already HAS cancer. It’s just BAAAAAD for you! I hate it. I hate that my husband is a smoker. Not a legit smoker, he doesnt wake up in the morning and smoke, he doesnt smoke after he eats, no, not that kind of smoker. He only smokes when he’s drinking and he will only drink by himself, alone, at night, thats his m.o. But he smokes. Its disgusting. He’ll watch the game (football, baseball, hockey, take your pick) on the replay so he can fast forward through the commercials and boring parts, drink some beers and smoke a half pack of cigarettes. Gross.

So when all this started way back in late March, he quit smoking. He told me he didnt want to do anything to give this cancer any more fuel than it already had, and smoking certainly fell into that category. I was elated! I had been wanting him to quit smoking for a decade! He had tried before, many times, but was unsuccessful. So for me, the ONE good thing that came out of all this terribleness, the ONE good thing, was the fact that he had finally seen the light and quit smoking. It was an amazing relief for me to be rid of that worry in my life.

Until this weekend.

Come on. Are you fucking kidding me?

One of my best friends, Sarah from San Francisco, sent me this amazing box of thoughtful things that she loves and that she thought I would love too! Just little things that she hoped would make my stress levels a bit lower. It had popcorn, chocolate, some yummy granola, a candle, a bath bomb, some stones that she found for healing, and the sweetest handwritten card. I mean, adorable! I paired it with a nice bottle of wine 😉

So on Friday, I go to light the candle my friend had sent me. I reach for the lighter which I just put in our secondary junk drawer in the kitchen (yes, we have a primary junk drawer and a secondary junk drawer … doesnt everyone?) I knew the lighter was in there because I had just gone through and organized it the day before, so I KNEW what I had in there. The night before was a playoff game for the Stanley Cup. Our hometown team, the Blues, were playing and this is a HUGE deal in St. Louis since the Blues have never won a Stanley Cup before. I’m not a hockey fan, but when your team is in the playoffs, you pay attention.

Andy had taken our 4 year old to the circus that night, which he bought tickets for weeks ago, before we knew when the playoffs would be or even if the Blues would make it. Regardless, he went to the circus with the kiddo instead of watching the Blues game. They got home late and he had sent me a text prior to getting home:

Whatever you do, please dont tell me anything about the Blues game. I’m going to come in and put the boy to bed and chill the fuck out. Everything in the last hour has not been set up stellar with a tired boy

Ok, not a problem. I was already in bed anyway when they got home around 10:30pm. He did exactly as he said. He came home, got our 4 year old in bed, came into our bedroom, gave me a kiss, said “Love you” and closed the door behind him as he left the room. Something about the way he left had me thinking that smoking was a possibility that night, but I brushed it off and told myself that he was smarter than that, and besides, why would he throw 10 weeks of no smoking out the window? Then I went to bed.

I woke up the next morning and he was not in bed next to me. This is what he would do when he smoked. He would sleep on the couch, either in the family room or in the basement, after he showered the smoke smell off. He knew I could smell it as soon as he would walk into the bedroom, so he wouldn’t sleep in the same room as me. He knows I hate it when he smokes, but that had never stopped him before — I thought being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer might stop him, but I was wrong about that too.

I knew exactly what was going on when I woke up that morning, but again, I brushed it aside thinking I had to be wrong. Fast forward to me lighting the candle. I reach into the drawer where I KNEW I had put the lighter and it wasnt there. Andy was on the couch so I asked, hey, do you know where the lighter is? He said, yes, I do. Then I asked the question. Are you smoking again? He said, yes. I asked why and what could he have possibly been thinking. I told him that he had thrown away 10 weeks of not smoking, and for what? He couldnt give me a good reason. I told him that we needed to talk about this. I told him that I was taking this as a personal slight against me and against EVERYONE who was sending him well wishes and healing prayers. A personal slight against everyone who had donated money to us and had sent us cards and made us meals and worried about his condition and his health. I asked him if he knew how anxious I had been about everything and now he’s adding yet ANOTHER thing to the list for me to worry about?! Fuck that. I mean, when one is diagnosed with cancer, rare or not, and people are giving you their sympathy and help you in all these amazing ways, it’s almost an unspoken rule that you, as the one with cancer, must ALSO do everything in your power to not let the cancer grow or spread more…or do things to give yourself more cancer. You are obligated to do EVERYTHING you can to attempt to prevent the cancer from growing any more, this doesn’t only include things like seeking out experts to help and doing surgery and chemotherapy, no. This also includes things such as dietary changes, lifestyle changes (such as more exercise or meditation.) It includes taking vitamins that might help stymie the growth or help with prevention of symptoms that you may have. It includes avoiding things such as smoking which might feed the current cancer or cause a completely different cancer to grow!! Ughhhh Does he remember when he told me that he was not going to do anything that would possibly give this cancer a leg up? He owes an apology to literally everyone, especially to me. I was livid, but mostly I was disappointed and just utterly disgusted that he would do this! Disgusted. I felt physically ill, like I was legit going to throw up. So I stopped the conversation and went upstairs to our bedroom. I have not spoken a single word to him since. We have not slept in the same room nor have we communicated in any way, scratch that, I did leave him a sticky note on a piece of mail that came, in which a claim had been denied by the insurance company, telling him to look into it and figure out a way to push it through. That has been the entirety of our communication since Friday. Its Sunday.

It sucks to feel this way. I was SO looking forward to this weekend and now its just been crap. I don’t want to be mad at him, but I cannot look at him without this feeling of disgust coming over me. He has let down THOUSANDS of people with his disgusting habit. But mostly me, mostly his kids. Looks like he doesn’t care tho. I thought we were over this, I thought we were on the same page, but clearly he’s too far past his surgery now and is feeling invincible again. Funny how sometimes, the further you get from an incident, the pain and conviction you had in that moment seems to fade. Not for me. It’s frustrating and impossibly exhausting watching him make choices that are bad for him. And I’m powerless to stop it. He needs to apologize for this, hell, he needs to apologize to the hoards of people who he’s let down, but he can start with me.

UPDATE: It’s Tuesday, and I had a lot of time (while we were both doing our best not to talk to or look at each other over the weekend) to reflect back on why this set me off so much. So last night, I asked if we could talk about it. My biggest problem with this whole situation (beyond the fact that I just really, really, REALLY want my husband to quit smoking) is that it seems to me that he doesnt care as much about himself as others care about him. His actions reflect this, and I think that is really the root of my frustration with this whole blow up of mine. It infuriates me. However, we did talk about it and came to an understanding, which is better than nothing, but still not how I wanted this argument to end. I didn’t get my apology, I didnt get any sort of agreement from him that he would quit smoking (again), but I did get an amazing hug, and I guess thats something. I’ll hold on to that.