Cancer and Covid-19. Welcome to hell. For those who do not have cancer or do not have a loved one with cancer, this, right here. This, right now. This is what it feels like to be told you have cancer. You’re bee-bopping along in life for years, decades, even, then one day BAM! You’re thrown off your Peloton bike and all of a sudden you’re thrust into the unknown. Forced into this space where you are uncomfortable, where you are lost and constantly wondering, what the actual fuck is happening? Questioning if this is real and bargaining with yourself that this must just be temporary. That if you can just get through these next few days, weeks, months, everything will be normal again and you can resume life as if all of this never happened.

But can you?

We were one of the lucky ones. My husbands cancer treatment ended just as the Covid-19 pandemic was taking off. I had called the chemo center prior to bringing in 15-20 people for Andy’s ring-the-bell, just to make sure it was okay that we were all back there, and it was, at that time. But had we decided to do the ring the bell the following week, or if my husbands pesky ANC was off and we had to wait another week to complete the chemo? I don’t think we would have gotten the opportunity. Things escalated so quickly! One week everything was fine, and the next week, we were literally all in lock down! Toilet paper was flying off the shelves like this virus was a GI thing (it’s not, its an upper respiratory thing, so I’m not sure what the deal is with the TP?) whatev, I’m just glad my husband accidentally grabbed a Costco size package of TP on his last shopping trip, even tho I asked him to grab paper towels. For once, and this might be the ONLY time in my life I will say this, but, I’m grateful for his lack of attention to detail! lol

As China was reeling from this virus, in the beginning of March, us in the midwest had only just heard about it from the national news. It wasn’t at our back door, it wasn’t even hitting the east coast yet. I honestly gave it no thought, like, zero thought. And then, it hit. One day it was a passing notion, the next day, it was EVERYWHERE! It hit Washington state and the east coast first. Even into the second and third week of March, it was still pretty distant for us. Then, March 23rd hit, and it was a shit storm of precautions. This new term “social distancing” became the phrase that would ingrain itself in our subconscious, drilled into us over, and over, and over again until we complied. People became frantic, store shelves were emptied the second they were stocked, people went NUTS over toilet paper!!? The economy came to a screeching halt. Retail stores closed, restaurants went from limiting patrons to doing only take-out orders or delivery. The demand for workers who did your grocery shopping for you went up 1000%, as other industries laid off workers by the thousands. People were being forced to work from home, schools and day cares were closed and everyone had to switch, seemingly overnight, to a new normal. Noone had any idea what types of restrictions to expect next. Noone could tell us what was happening and the experts who were all supposed to know these things, seemed to disagree on how to best contain the spread.

So now its really day by day. Over the course of the past 2 weeks things have spiraled, almost uncontrollably into chaos. The east coast being hit the hardest and us here in the midwest, just now starting to feel some of the effects. So what are we doing? We are being told to “shelter in place” another new phrase that basically means don’t leave your house unless you absolutely have to. Getting groceries, okay. Going to the doctor, okay. Going to work ONLY if you’re an essential employee, okay. Otherwise, we’re being told to stay 6ft away from anyone who does not live in your household and to wear a mask over your face and nose if you need to leave your home. The general consensus is that its best to just stay home. So much so, that you’re basically shamed on social media if you’re caught out and about.

But all these changes are SO hard! My daughter, who is a senior in high school, is basically missing ALL of the things that she has looked forward to for 4 years! Its literally heartbreaking. I am SO sad for her! Prom? Graduation? Rose and Candle ceremony (a tradition at her school where the seniors “pass the candle” on to the juniors representing how they will become the next leaders of the school) — all that? Unknown as to if or when any of it will happen. It’s all up in the air and its just a completely shitty place to be at. My husband who is severely immunocompromised is still out and about working in the general public because he refuses to tell his boss he can’t go to his sites. I can’t make him stay home. He doesn’t listen to me, lol

So I’m stuck at home with 3 kids, all while trying to work full time. I work remotely anyway, but working at home with a full house is VERY different than working at home by myself. The 2 teenagers are trying to do e-learning virtually through their schools, and the 5 year old is attempting to drive me insane. Literally. It’s a nightmare. I am having the big kids help out, but there is only so much they can handle and I feel SO awful sticking my pre-schooler in front of a tablet or the TV for hours on end, but what choice do I have? I HAVE to work!?

All of this sucks. It just does. Not to mention that our little trip to Kansas City to celebrate the end of chemo was completely cancelled because of all of this virus nonsense. So, there’s that too. I guess I’m just being a bit down today. Andy and I are trying to make the best of this situation, even tho we didn’t go to KC. We did end up taking last week off work, but it wasn’t really like a vacation at all. We were still home, we were still with all the kids and they were all still in school. Saturday, April 4, marked 1 year since we got the diagnosis. I ordered a special dinner and we had the teenagers babysit the 5 year old while my husband and I had a “date night” in our bedroom, lol I made a makeshift table out of the ironing board and we even had some fancy table linens and some ambiance (a candle, lol) But the food was amazing and the wine was delicious. We decided that we would make the most out of it, given the situation, and we definitely did!

But that somehow leaves me in the same spot that I started. Wondering when this will end. How will it end? And will we ever get to be normal again?