It really is true. You think you’re on a downhill slope, hands up, smile on your face, wind in your hair, happy. Then comes the dip, your stomach drops, the weight of the force on your body pushes you down into your seat, and your back climbing another hill.

Lately, it’s become difficult to identify why, exactly, I’m struggling. Is it because of the stress of the chemo? Things have actually been going smoothly! …apart from this week, in which my husbands ANC level (thorn in our sides) was too low to qualify for treatment. But every treatment he’s received since he re-started chemo on Dec 26, has gone off without a hitch! He’s been able to get chemo every 2 weeks for the past 3 cycles! The back half of this treatment has been SO much easier than the front half, and it was going just as planned! Until this week, that is. But it really hasn’t been much of an issue. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m OVER chemo. Like, seriously. Can it just end already? But it’s not a stressor for me anymore because I pretty much know what to expect and I plan my life accordingly. Alone for a week? Check. Loneliness and extra hustle? Check. Extra wine? Check.

Is it because of the stress of life? I actually think that has more to do with it than anything else. Since the beginning of Dec, my husband has become more and more brazen with his smoking situation. Smoking cigarettes much more frequently, smoking (vaping, ughhh) pot in the house, in other peoples houses, in public, in front of our 5 year old. (rolls eyes) He thinks there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with it. Meanwhile, I’m appalled, embarrassed and find myself constantly apologizing to others for his behavior. It has become so bad that he only sleeps with me maybe 1 night a week when he’s off chemo. If you’ll recall, I have told him outright that if he’s smoking cigarettes, I do not want him sleeping in bed with me. The smell disgusts me and no matter how much he showers or how much Listerine he uses to disguise the stink, I can smell it, and whatever small hour of the morning he decides to crawl into bed, I immediately wake up and feel gross. So, on the nights he has his little 1 person parties, he sleeps on the couch or in the basement. Anywhere but next to me. But the thing is, he’s smoking SO MUCH now, he’s literally NEVER in bed — and that has created animosity and distance. I’m angry at him for smoking. I’m just SO pissed at him for choosing to continue this terrible, awful, life-threatening habit while he’s going through treatment. For cancer. I can’t get over it. So, there’s that. In addition to that — fuck, I’m lonely! Not only is my husband out of commission the ENTIRE week he’s on chemo, but now he’s MIA in the evenings the week he’s off chemo too! It’s really one of the only opportunities we have to connect, laying in bed watching a show or the 10 o’clock news and just being there. He’ll be on his phone or reading a book, I’ll be doing my thing, but we’re close to each other (in proximity) and, while it may sound stupid and mundane, it brings me peace. Now that has been ripped away from me too. Ughhh. On top of all this, my relationship with my daughter has been very strained this year. It’s her senior year of high school and the timing for all this cancer shit was, admittedly, bad. It’s taken my focus away from her special year and she’s been acting out. I feel awful about it. And as this year has progressed and the end of her senior year has become closer and closer, I’ve been realizing how much I’ve missed out on, and how much I really wish I could get that time back. It weighs on me heavily now and I’m just not sure how I can make it up to her. My focus has been on Andy this entire time and I sort of left everything else on auto-pilot. I was just trying to survive and get through all this, but in doing that, I see now how much I truly missed and I’m really sad about that. I’m trying to right that ship, but I fear that it will not be enough and she’ll just resent us for the time we’ve, essentially, stolen from her during this incredibly formative year. I just hope my last ditch efforts will be enough.

So today Andy and I met with the therapist again. Its Valentine’s Day, lol We went to the love doctor on Valentines Day, that has to be the start of some kind of joke, right? lolz Trust me, it’s not. Today was not a great session. I was sort of all over the place. What I really wanted to do was let Andy do most of the talking since, surprise, surprise, I hijack most of the conversation during our sessions. But he was stuck in some random middle-of-the-day traffic jam and ended up getting there 20 mins late — so we went ahead and started before he arrived. I was already fired up by the time he got there, so there was really no stopping me at that point. But I left feeling very uneasy. I don’t like feeling this way, ESPECIALLY on a day meant for lovey-dovey! I’m struggling even to understand what it is, exactly, that I’m struggling with. I can’t quite put my finger on it, I know it has to do with his cigarette smoking and his pot vaping and the extra loneliness that all this has brought with it, but I’m usually better at identifying what the underlying issue is. Right now, I’m at a bit of an impasse with myself. I guess that’s why I was all over the place with the therapist, that is sort of how I feel right now. All over the place. With my emotions, with my relationship between me and my husband, with my relationship with my kids, with anger, with regret. I’m just uneasy and I’m debating attempting to re-start the conversation with my husband when he gets home from work today. Very rarely does that end well, but that’s sort of where I am right now. Idk. Couldn’t get any worse!