Day 2 post-MOAS. Yep, you read that right. Radioactive pee. Apparently, my husband is radioactive, lol Anytime someone comes in and has to handle his urine, they have to suit up, wrapping themselves in a special gown, putting on goggles, a mask, double gloves on their hands, using some special radioactive-proof gloves, and footies on their feet. They look like they could walk into Chernobyl and be just fine! Its a bit ridiculous, but whatev, lol

Today has been much better than the past couple days. Yesterday was still pretty rough. Andy was so nervous that if he moved, he would start to spasm again and he was trying to avoid that at all costs. So he basically didn’t move unless he was forced to. His speech was quiet and he spoke in short 2 word sentences the entire day. But today, I walked in around 8am and he was talking in full sentences! That was already an improvement! So I knew he was feeling a bit better, maybe better is the wrong word, he was feeling a bit more confident in the pain management plan.

They got him out of bed and walking around today, the goal is to have him walk (or, ambulate — PT term, lol) at least 5 times. The first time was rough. The PT had her work cut out for her, but she gave my husband some really good tips on how to do this “roll” thing out of bed so he could start to become more independent, and when he was finally standing up, she got him walking! We’ve learned that movement and breathing are of utmost importance right now. We’ve also learned that flexeril makes my husband EXTREMELY sleepy. Which was good for yesterday because he really just needed to make it through that day, but now — he needs to start eating and moving and taking more deep breaths. They are SO concerned about his breathing! We have this ridiculous gadget (that looks like it came from the dollar store) to help him take more deep breaths and measure how deeply he’s breathing. For reference, when I breath into it, I hit 3500. When my husband breathes into it, he barely hits the 1000 mark, usually closer to 750. So we’re working on that today too, but the flexeril is a problem because it just knocks him on his ass and he can’t work on any of the above if he’s sleeping. Its been a bit frustrating, me telling him he needs to wake up, and him saying that he can’t keep his eyes open and just needs to sleep. Ughhh We’re not giving him that drug anymore unless its at night.

How am I doing? Everyone keeps asking me that. Welp, lets recap, shall we? I learned my husband had a rare and aggressive form of cancer, which, btw, was already stage 4, about 4.5 weeks ago and since then, we have done testing, bloodwork, 3 surgeries, including 1 MASSIVE “Mother Of All Surgeries” surgery, and now we’re heading into chemotherapy, I missed my daughters prom, I missed my sons 14th birthday, I missed an opportunity with my career that may or may not present itself again, so. Hmmm. Well, I did get 7 hours of sleep in the last 3 days, so that’s something. But I have not exercised in about 4 days and that is starting to wear on my nerves. I just feel like I want to be here (at the hospital) with Andy. He just needs so much help right now and I am his advocate. He is comfortable with me being here, seeing him in this position of vulnerability, and that is oddly comforting to me. Its not very often you get the opportunity to truly help someone you love, I mean TRULY help them, and I want to be here to support him in every way I possibly can. Not to say he is helpless, but he does need help to do certain basic things. I am honored to be the one to help him.

See? I can be empathetic! I’m not always an asshole!

Today I’m researching more about the appendix cancer specialists we have been referred to. I have contacted both the Houston and the Chicago teams and am in the process of sending (faxing … yes, people still use this antiquated technology. rolls eyes) all Andy’s records to the teams to dive into. I really have no idea what to ask at this point other than to get their opinion on ongoing treatment. Our doctor here in St. Louis is very happy to consult with and work with the specialist teams to implement their recommendations, tho I’m not sure that is what the Houston or Chicago teams will want to do. I suppose those are all answers that I’ll need to get moving forward.

The kids are okay. The teenagers are more worried about what is happening in their lives than in Andy’s, and that’s okay. To be expected, really. I mean, would they actually be teenagers if they were worried about someone other than themselves 100% of the time? Would you have worried about something like this when you were a teenager? lol It’s really our 4 year old who I’m mostly concerned about. At this point, he actually has no idea that anything is wrong — and I give all the kudos to myself for that! I am trying REALLY, REALLY hard to make it seem as tho everything is okay for him. He LOVES spending time with grandma, so that’s who I’ve hooked him up with for most of the time so far. Tonight, a friend of Andy’s, who’s son also happens to be in the same preschool class as our 4 year old (and our kids also happen to be best friends) offered to take our littlest for the night and just bring him to school in the morning. I felt guilty for allowing that to happen, but I have come to realize that I need the help, and since most of my stress comes from making sure that our 4 year old is cared for, and I didn’t ask, they offered to help, I needed to allow that. Once I made that call, it was actually an amazing relief for me. It meant that I would be able to stay with Andy and not worry about being “on” as a mom to a preschooler for tonight. Which any mom can attest to how exhausting that can be.

My role now is to be here for Andy for whatever he may need. I am going to try to get some work in, maybe at least read the emails that are piling up in my inbox, or the slack messages that I have been ignoring — but I was very careful to put the right people in charge of my projects so I wouldn’t have to worry about it while I was out taking care of my husband. I’m not worried, I just want to be sure I’m still in the loop when I start to ramp back up into work again next week. I can’t actually complain about work. Not only do I love my company, but I also love what I do and I love the people I work with, both my coworkers and the customers. As I’ve mentioned before, I am extremely lucky to have the job I do. The flexibility and the understanding I’ve received all the way from the C level to anyone on any team, has been incredible — really, as it should be in situations like this, but I know I’m lucky, and I am thankful everyday for that.

Tomorrow only looks better for my husband and for our family! One day closer to having him home, one day closer to getting him well.